My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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