Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
