I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize