Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
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