my vag is so smooth its legendary
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
3 2 1 whiskey
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
