when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize