If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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