Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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