pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
