Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Randomize
