Your tits are I can't wait for
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
