so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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