Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
