Pants 0. Shit 1.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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