i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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