Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
The air was thick with penises
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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