so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I was not drunk enough for that final.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
