drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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