Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
