Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
