You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize