cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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