i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
