Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
