I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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