the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
then he tried to convert me to islam
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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