I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
