Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
did i just pee glitter
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
