He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
