also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
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