just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Im at strip club and am horny
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize