I'm pants shitting drunk right now
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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