I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Is it because I queefed?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
