I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
