I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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