She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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