I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
