did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
