My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize