We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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