just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
