Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I currently don't understand fingers.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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