Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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