May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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