I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
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