they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
