I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
you had me at cake vodka
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize