She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I have tasted many bathrooms
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
