drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
