just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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