and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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