whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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