he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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